During the preschool years children are primed to learn social skills, solve problems, and learn empathy toward others. The problem is that most adults see the conflict that arises as a result of these missing skills as something we must S-T-O-P! We haven’t been given a lot of tools to see it otherwise.
All behavior is communication. The things we see and hear are telling us something about what is happening on the inside of the child. Imagine with me for a moment that two children are in the block center. There are some favorite trucks that everyone loves and Jason just grabbed one from Teron. You hear Teron scream and look over just as Jason throws the truck back to him. What do you do next?
In Conscious Discipline, we practice a skill called ACT. This problem-solving skill gives us just the words we need to help us deliver helpful tools to both children. ACT stands for: Acknowledge Positive Intent, Clarify, and Time to Practice. You can get a free download printable with cue cards to help you develop this skill. You could put these on a lanyard or keyring to help you as you are learning.
As you approach the situation, notice if you have any upset within you. Take a deep calming breath and say to yourself, “I’m safe, keep breathing, I can handle this.”
Go to Teron first. By going to the victim first, you demonstrate that you value helping and bringing a sense of safety to the situation.
Say to Teron, “You seem frustrated. Something happened?”
Teron is probably going to tell you that Jason took his tiles. “He took my truck.”
You respond, “Did you like it?”
Teron replies, “no.”
Now you have him turn to Jason and say, “I don’t like it when you take my truck. Next time ask me first.”
Now you have the opportunity to teach Jason using A.C.T.
A=acknowledge positive intent
“You wanted a turn with the truck and you forgot the words to ask so you grabbed it.”
(Set the limit) “You may not grab. Grabbing is not safe.”
C=Clarify the appropriate skill to use
“When you want a turn with the truck, tap Teron on the shoulder and say, “May I have a turn?”
T=Time to practice using this skill
Guide Jason as he taps Teron on the shoulder, waits for him to look, then asks for a turn. Encourage him by saying, “You did it. You tapped and asked for a turn.” You can get a free download printable by clicking here for a little visual to remind children to “tap and ask.” It also has a visual to remind them to stop and breathe while they wait. This will help to increase their impulse control.
Now, if Teron decides to give him a turn you encourage them and move on.
If Teron says no, you may want to stay close and follow up with Jason by reminding him he ask ask Teron to give it to him when he’s done. Then you may want to offer Jason a two options of what he can do while he waits. It can be very hard to shift gears and wait for a turn. Breathe with him and encourage him as he finds something else to do.
I have recently created a new social story to help in the teaching and reinforcing of these very skills. It is in my Teacher’s Pay Teachers store. To use it you can print the pages, laminate, and then bind them with a ring or with a binder. Use the story with the class at circle time to role play what to do to take turns. You can also read it with a child who has a lot of trouble with impulse control and remembering to use the appropriate skill for getting a toy.
Another way you can help this child is by drawing their attention to the feelings of their friend. This will help them have more empathy and compassion for their friend. When a conflict happens and someone is crying, or their face is obviously angry or sad say the following to the aggressor as you sort of point to the victim’s face in a circular motion.
“See his face? His face is saying I don’t like it when you take my truck.”
Then you would follow up with the other skills.